At about 10pm, kp ad I were outside with the dogs. It was lovely and quiet and you could see every star in the sky. We were a little anxious about tomorrow and whether they would find any white spots on Cleo’s Chest X-ray. Whilst I was looking up at the stars, I saw the most amazing shooting star. It wasn’t the normal “gone in a flash” one, this was markedly bigger and easily visible with a huge tail of fire behind it. I nearly spat my fag out as I shouted :-

dp:- KKAARREENN, look at that ! Shooting Star !

Unfortunately, by the time kp looked up it had gone. It probably lasted about a second or just over (a long time for a shooting star) but it wasn’t time enough for kp to react. Then came the bollocking :-

kp:- You frightened the life out of me. Don’t shout like that !

dp:- But, but, but…

I shut up.

We talked for a little while longer, before heading in. Cleo was lying very peacefully on the lawn. kp went to stroke her but she couldn’t bend down enough to give her the big love she wanted to give. She turned round to walk into the house and she was crying her eyes out.

kp:- I can’t even give Cleo a love.

I comforted her as best I could. But it wasn’t enough.

kp:- I am sick of being trapped in this body. I just want to be better now !

I can’t recall seeing her this upset before. It made me very sad.

kp:- I have had enough. I just want to get out of here. I am going to sleep (still crying)

We got in bed and she cuddled up into me and just cried and cried.

dp:- You have come so far love.

kp:- I hate it when people say that. It doesn’t change the way I am now. Do you understand how I feel ?

I explained that I could imagine how frustrated she must be and rattled off examples of every day things she finds hard. I then started to talk about Hitler and World War 2, as you do. I was trying to draw an analogy about how she was fighting a war and there were many battles to be fought along the way to winning. Some she’d win, some she wouldn’t. But she’d win most of them and Hitler would be defeated. Well, her wailing turned to crying so my mad analogy obviously helped a bit.

She then gradually started crying less, not saying a word – less and less crying until she fell asleep in my arms. I was well pleased. By this time, I had got a sweat on and had to push her away – she didn’t wake up thankfully.

Continuing on from yesterday’s addendum…………………..

Today, she woke up no better than yesterday. She hadn’t had a good sleep. She woke up in time to wish Cleo all the best for her operation today. I was glad. I made sure she got back into bed ok and then took Cleo to the vets. If the cancer had spread to the lungs, then amputation would make things worse so we were hoping NOT to get a call.

In the meantime, we addressed kp’s mood. It was still very low. I suggested phoning the neuropsychologist (NP)

kp:- I don’t want to talk to anyone

I phoned anyway. She rang back and spoke to kp. kp’s tone and volume was low. She hardly said a word. I felt sorry for the NP who had to work very hard to coax answers from kp. She talked to kp for 22 minutes and by the end of it, kp wasn’t feeling much better BUT we had an action plan to make things better.

We had deduced that kp’s physical wellbeing has got worse since she started hydro. We were to speak to the hydrotherapy physiotherapist and tell her so she could advise us accordingly. Another problem kp is having is her eyesight is deteriorating.

kp:- Everything is jumbled up.

The NP hinted that the opthamologist may prescribe some occluded glasses to stop her right eye seeing anything at all and reduce the muddle that she sees when her brain combines both images from both eyes. So she is referring her to the eye person.

When the NP went off the phone, I did a mockup pair of glasses with the right eye occluded so she could see the effect. I got kp’s reading glasses and wrapped one side in tin foil. She put them on, but it didn’t seem to make much difference. She looked a bit like Jack Duckworth, and my attempts at a photo for the blog went down like a lead balloon.
With the phonecall over, we went for a snooze at about 11am, hoping for no phone call until 2.30pm, when we were to ring the vet.

30 minutes later, the phone rang

It was the vet and it wasn’t good news. Cleo’s lungs were riddled with cancer and the amputation was pointless. She didn’t have long left and they asked if we wanted to put her to sleep. We got up to discuss it and then rang the vet back to get Cleo put to sleep.

There were a lot of tears as you can imagine.

It was soon time to go to hydrotherapy. I asked her if she still wanted to go.. She did !

We talked with the physio about the fact she has been a wreck after all the hydro sessions and she suggested they take it easier, which they did. kp did lots of exercises (she thinks as much as usual) and then spent 15 minutes lying weightless in the water supported by buoyancy aids on all parts of her body. She gave me a wave and I could tell she really enjoyed it.

Clumsy me took a photo but put my finger in front of the lens so sorry about this one. I have had to circle kp’s head so hopefully you can spot someone amidst all the rubber rings !

Back from hydro, we had a nice chat and talked about the missing Cleo and then she went for a snooze. Hopefully, she has turned a corner and will be back to top form in a day or so.