From bad to worse.

Definately a week of realisation.

The week started off uneventful. I tried my best to do a more normal working hours week, but 3 days of solid interviewing left me needing to work extra hours, but kp was understanding.

We had agreed over the weekend that I would ring the neuropsychologist to arrange for her to come over and discuss things with Karen. Because we are outside of the Gateshead area (where this lady is based), we now have to fund this lady ourselves. At £120 per hour, it is extremely expensive, but worth every penny. This can be claimed back from the insurance company.

One of the reasons I have been so tired is walking the dogs so early before I go into work leaves me with one hour less sleep. So, Karen had arranged for a dog walker to start on Wednesday. This was great and gave me an extra hour in bed !
Marie also came over on Wednesday and cooked us a lovely roast shoulder of lamb. She stayed over and helped get kp ready for her trip to Physio on Thursday. Karen enjoyed Physio as she was introduced to the exercise equipment. Apparently, she had a go on an exercise bike and a trampet. She was told she had only 2 more physio sessions with the current physio as she is moving out of the area. The physio said she would refer her on to a local gym where she can get reduced fee entrance for a certain period. She is also being referred back to the neuro physiotherapist
Karen takes things in very slowly nowadays. She will have heard the physio say there were only 2 sessions left with her before she is referred back on to the neuro physio, but it won’t really have sunk in the implications of this i.e. that there isn’t much more that the physical-based physiotherapists can do. The seed had been planted however. The good news, however, is that the insurance company has offered another 10 physio sessions and we have yet to dip into this pool.

With the physio over, Karen and Marie returned home and Marie left to return to Middlesbrough. The neuropsychologist (np) arrived at 4pm. Karen and the np had a good chat lasting an hour. In previous visits, the np had suggested to Karen that a full recovery may not be possible, but Karen simply didn’t take it on board. At some point during the meeting the np planted another seed when she suggested that Karen may NOT make a full recovery. At this point, according to kp, there were lots of tears and sadness, but the np (wonderful as she is), managed to calm her down and left kp feeling “ok”.

Up until now, I have never broached the probability of a less-than-full recovery with Karen. I didn’t want to bring on the upset and felt it best to let kp contemplate this in her own time. This week was beginning to bring this on more and more in kp’s mind.

We had big chats on the Thursday night and Friday morning and I again left this along the lines of “you’re still making progress love” (which she is). Avoiding the issue I suppose, but I didn’t feel kp was ready to take in the full picture.

And then………Friday came…………

kp met me at work at 6pm (taxi) and we went on to “Different Strokes”.

Today was a special night for the Byker “Different Strokes” group. They were celebrating their 5th birthday. A wonderful spread had been provided including drinks, a big tombola and there was going to be a quiz. We were really looking forward to it. It was quite a busy session. The one thing kp wanted to achieve while she was at the session was to speak to another lady who had had a similar stroke and she wanted to see how she got her bra on (kp is still struggling and can only get it on 50% of the time).
We had a chat to a couple of stroke survivors. Anth came over (the wonderful organiser) and had a chat with kp and I. It went something like this….

Anth :- “I read your blog from last week.”

Karen doesn’t know what I have put in the blog over the last year. She is a year behind. She didn’t know about the fact that I had mentioned how upset she was after the last meet. Although kp was upset after the last meet, it hadn’t really fully sunk in that she was a stroke victim and that she may not get full recovery.

Anth :- “…… The red lights were flashing last week when you were asking how long it will take to get to 100%. I realised very early that I wasn’t going to get back to 100%……..”

At this point, my focus was totally on Karen as I knew Anth’s words would hit hard. She was starting to well up.

Anth :- “….. it’s best to accept where you are and then anything else is a bonus.”

He was trying to help big time and his heart was 110% in the right place. kp managed to keep a tap on her tears and upset. When Anth left to start the night rolling, kp got very upset and turned her back to everyone in the room so she could cry.

kp:- “I need to get out of here.”

I ushered her into the corridor outside and comforted her for a few minutes. I popped back in to make our apologies and did the best I could to make Anth feel that it wasn’t his fault she was upset, more the situation. Anth, if you are reading this, hopefully you can see the whole week was bringing about some realisation. It needed to come and now it has. It was coming eventually anyway.

Karen was really distraught and cried all the way to the car. When I eventually got her to the car, she cried her little heart out. Gasping for breath, she tried to get her handbag into the car and it wouldn’t stand up where she wanted it to……

kp :- F++KING HANDBAG !

Karen NEVER swears. She hates it.

We spent 5-10 minutes in the car and the crying didn’t stop or even dwindle. In the end……

kp:- Just drive me home !!

I drove home with 1 hand on her lap (patting and stroking it). She was as pale as a ghost. Halfway home, she opened the window fully. She was feeling very sick. It turned out we were by the chippy where we normally get chips from, so I pulled over. But the smell of Doner Meat was too much and no sooner had I parked and opened the door than she threw up on the pavement. The passers by on the pavement must have thought she had drunk too much or something but neither of us were bothered.

She waited until there was no more throwing up to be done. My longing for Doner and Chips had passed. Karen just wanted to get home and lie down. She was that keen to lie down, we laid her down on the back seat. Karen hasn’t been in the back of a car since the accident, so she must have been bad. At home, she went straight to bed to “get out of it”.

At about 3am, she woke up and we had a long chat. There were more tears. Trying to calm her down, I said…..

dp:- But you don’t know you aren’t going to make a full recovery.

kp:- David, I do. Stop saying I may make a full recovery. It’s not going to happen.

So, I think it has sunk in where she is and that she won’t get back to be the Karen she was before. As she herself said…..

kp:- Nothing is going to get 100% is it. My hips are only going to get worse. My eyesight isn’t going to get better. My head isn’t going to improve. And my left arm is useless and won’t get better.

There was nothing I could do, but agree. She wouldn’t hear anything I said to the contrary. When I tried to put a positive in there …..

dp:- You WILL still see some improvement in your left arm though. We are still seeing some improvement from week to week.

She accepted it, but reiterated that she won’t be the old kp. People reading this who know Karen and who have met her post-accident will think she is the old Karen. I said as much to her, but she knows she isn’t the old Karen. She cited examples focussed on her brain which reassure her she isn’t 100% mentally…….From memory, they were things like…..

• Bra
• Not being able to turn a pair of trousers outside in. If there is a leg the wrong way in or out, she can’t work out how to get it right.
• Can’t open a can of corned beef for the dogs. She can’t work out the orientation needed for the key provided.
• Not enough grip in her left hand to open a can of beans (for example)
• Etc….

She also mentioned that she can’t take things in like she used to be able to.

There was little I could say to that. We went to bed on a low ebb.

Saturday came, and kp was subdued in the morning. We needed to fill the day in big time. I suggested taking some trousers back to M&S, picking up my new glasses etc….We did this, we also picked up an electric potato peeler and an electric tin opener (fingers crossed they help).

Saturday night, we weren’t short of good programmes to watch and despite all the things on her mind, she was able to laugh at bits and bobs. Especially the strange faces Andrew Lloyd Webber pulls when watching artists.

Connie won the Maria show and we were both over the moon at that.

The TV had took her mind off things. She slept brilliantly as did I.

This morning, conversation turned back to what had happened this week. She doesn’t want to think about or talk about the realisation of her situation. She CERTAINLY doesn’t want to hear that “things are going to be ok.” She knows she needs to accept the status quo.

Today, it’s a lovely day, and she is “ok”. She is avoiding talking about the issue. She wants to see the np again this week to try and get her head around things. This is a great idea and I will be sorting this on Monday.

So………..not the best week. But it needed to come. Perhaps it will be a good thing in the long term……

Time will tell !