A truly awful week. Karen has been sooooo low. It all started on the Sunday night, although if I am honest, it probably started a few months ago but kp has been putting on a brave face since then. kp’s mood had been low for a while, and we were talking about it. She was concerned that her low mood brought me down too. Well, of course it does,  but I tried my best to explain that this wasn’t her fault and that when you’re married, you share the highs and lows together. That’s what marriage is all about. I also explained that it would be the same if roles were reversed. But, she bears an enormous amount of guilt over the fact (in her eyes), she is “bringing me down”. Discussions, later in the week, veered more towards the fact she wanted me to leave her. Obviously, when she says these kinds of things, there are floods of accompanying tears. I keep reassuring her that I WILL NOT be leaving her and that I love her, but she only sees the negatives and reads things into the situation. All part of the depression (according to the experts).

The Sunday night saw Karen so desperate to “GET OUT OF IT” that she was going to take 6 x 20mg Tamazepam. A normal dose is 10mg. kp normally takes 10 or 20mg, 40mg MAX, but never 120mg !!! Thankfully, we stopped that from happening, but things are that bad at the moment. The Sunday night was awful, and we were up until the wee hours. I had told her I wouldn’t be going to work tomorrow (monday) and that we would get the right help in place !! I was that desperate to get help for her, I called everyone under the sun, Syd (Case Manager), Ann (NP) and I even played the Joker and called our usual Saviour in these circumstances (Pip) but unfortunately, I couldn’t get hold of her.

In the morning, Rachel (the OT) came and a lady arrived to demo a Bath Bubble. It’s a bag of air that kp sits on and lowers her into the bath. It was quite nifty.

After that, we were already due to have an appointment with the neuropsychologist (NP) Ann in the afternoon, so we attended that. There were lots of tears. Ann feels that kp has some of the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that she needs specialist help for this. As soon as she has completed her assessments, she has referred us on to a specialist in this area. The sooner this happens the better. Ann pressed ahead and we did all these cognitive-type tests. We didn’t really learn anything new, but Ann confirmed that kp suffers from a variety of cognitive issues, spatial awareness, poor working memory, etc etc…..

With the tests done, we headed home where Syd was waiting for us. He had kindly come up at short notice given kp’s mindset. He had some cracking things to say, and kp DID listen intently, but with depression, I know from experience, that you just see the negative in things and thus it was for kp.

The week generally has been full of tears. At one point, kp was desperate for me to “have a good life” and leave her. At another, she was desperately sad at the thought of losing me and that I would want to leave her. Of course, I do my best to persuade her that I love her SO MUCH, and I think she knows it deep down, but at the same time she still thinks I am going to leave. I AM NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU LOVE, EVER !!! Until Death Do Us Part ! xxxxx

So, without harping on about a real bad week. here is the rest of the week….

Tuesday, Syd was back again to meet with kp and Social Services who were visiting for a review. He brought with him the Wii-Fit.

Wednesday -  Sue Brady (ex work colleague) was due to visit kp at home, but kp had been out with Doreen to try and lift her mood and had to come home early, ‘cos she felt sick. So she had to postpone Sue. I think this is the 2nd or 3rd time she has had to postpone Sue. Nothing personal Sue, I know she is keen for a catchup !

Thursday – Syd had told kp to push on with the rehab programme. To say kp’s heart isn’t in it is an understatement, but I don’t think it has been in it for a month or so, yet she has still given it 110%. So, she carried on with the physio session with Steve. I think they did some Wii-Fit stuff.

Friday – Doreen came and did some gardening with kp. Together they did an absolutely marvellous job of the back yard. Not a weed in site.

Saturday – kp didn’t want to be awake at all.

kp:- I’d rather be dead

So, she slept (with me) most of the day.

Sunday – we were due to lunch with Dave and Helen, but kp wasn’t up for it, so we had to postpone that too.

Last night, we had a REALLY good talk in bed. I was on fire and really felt like I had said all the right things. It went something like this…..

dp:- You’ve come out of depression before love.
kp:- Have I ? When ?
dp:- Well…….Remember when your mam died, that was an absolutely awful time and it felt like you would never get over that. If I had asked you at the time, that your feelings would lift, you would have said they wouldn’t. But, time is a great healer and eventually they did lift, didn’t they ?
kp:- yes
dp:- Do you remember when we couldn’t have kids, and we did the Adoption thing and we got approved and then had to pick kids to adopt. And then we said we couldn’t go through with it. You had a bit of a breakdown then and you were really depressed, weren’t you ?
kp:- yes
dp:- But, you came out of that then didn’t you ?
kp:- yes
dp:- Do you know what ?
kp:- What ?
dp:- I think I know what the key is to lifting your mood.
kp:- What ?
dp:- I think you need to accept what has happened and then you’ll be able to move on.
kp:- What do you mean ?
dp:- Well, when your mam died, you didn’t accept that she had died for a LONG time, did you ?
kp:- No
dp:- But, eventually, you did accept it, and that’s when you could handle living with it, couldn’t you
kp:- Yes
dp:- Same with the Adoption

dp:- And I think it is the same with this, love. You need to accept that you have had a car accident. And yes, you do have some injuries from that that are still affecting your life. Your head injury does make you a bit slower. The pelvis injury does make it harder to walk etc etc…….But you can still do so much. You CAN still walk around the house and outside. You can still talk with friends and have good conversations, you can still go on holiday, there is SO much you can do. So, i think the key is to accept what has happened and then move on.

I was really pleased with myself, because it made so much sense to me and it had all unravelled in my head as I was speaking it. kp was less than enthusiastic, but with kp, things take time to sink in, so fingers crossed, I may have started a chain of thought processes off….

And finally….

I had been doing lots of reading this week about Depression and how to help people out of it. Unfortunately, there is no quick cure, and one of the key helping factors appear to be keeping yourself busy. We had discussed this and so we had decided to do lots today (Bank Holiday Monday). We made a concerted effort to have an active day.

We went to the Garden Centre, went shopping in M&S, Sainsburys and walked the dogs. Has it helped ? In a word, NO !

kp just wasn’t in the mood. She was apathetic around the shops, despite trying to enjoy it, and kept stumbling on the dog walk.

So…….

LOADS OF FINGERS CROSSED for this next week. I really hope things improve. Life is so sad at the moment for kp. She really needs some happy times !

Love u kp
xxxxx