Generally poor week, with the biggest of blows for Karen on Saturday.

Wednesday saw Karen attend probably her last physio session. She was very nervous going out on her own, “sweating like a pig” in the taxi. The neuro physio basically explained to Karen that she has “reached her potential” as far as neuro physio and that no more exercise will make it any better. She suggested that kp should continue trying to use her left arm while at home etc etc…. Not the ideal thing for Karen to hear after last week.

Thursday – Karen was due to visit her work for the last time. She was finished (ill health retired) at the end of May, and the works were going to have a farewell doo for her and Angela. Karen cancelled her attendance on the Monday as she didn’t feel mentally well enough to attend. She felt very guilty about this. I think they are postponing it until she feels better. In the afternoon, I left work early to take Karen for a follow up visit to the psychiatrist. One of the areas that he felt needs to be addressed are her erratic sleeping patterns. She sleeps about 2-3 hours on a night and then probably 12 hours (on and off) during the day. She has been on Tamazepam (sleeping tablet) for about 2 years. I personally think they wake her up ! They tend to knock her out for a bit, but when they wear off, she wakes up.

Anyhoo, she has been prescribed 2 new sleeping concoctions. One is an anti-depressant (traplidone (something like that)) which has a side affect of being a sleeping tablet. And the other is Zopiclone. The first night (thursday) she tried the anti-depressant one. It gave her a stuffed nose in the first 2 hours and she had to breathe through her mouth all night. It didn’t help her sleep and left her with a metal taste in her mouth. No good.

Friday saw us go to Woodlands Hospital, Darlington to see an eye consultant for a medico-legal report. He was a bit off at first, bordering on rude. He asked what injuries Karen had sustained. I started reeling them off, and he shut me up and said he would wait for the reports to come through. In hindsight, we think he thought Karen was “pulling the lead”. He put some eye drops in Karen’s eyes so that her pupils would dilate so he could see the back of her eyes. We left the room while the eye drops kicked in. Karen was VERY tired and fell asleep, her nodding head amusing people in the waiting room. When he called us back in, he had found the 4 inch thick worth of documentation detailing Karen’s injuries, and he couldn’t have been nicer to us. It really was as if he had thought she was “trying it on”, and now he understood she wasn’t. He even started talking about his recent experience with whiplash. Whoopy-Dee !

He examined her eyes, and basically confirmed what we already knew ie that her right eye’s optic nerve had been damaged and there was no room for improvement as it is an extension of the brain and brain cells don’t get better if they die blah blah blah !

As soon as we got back, kp went straight to sleep. She was asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

At 1245pm, the neuropsychologist arrived. She spent 5 minutes asking how I was, which was nice. She stayed until 3.15pm. kp and I get on great with her. As I have said before, she has an uncanny knack of getting into kp’s brain. We both feel she REALLY understands Karen’s condition, depression and moods. When she says things, even the dogs nod as if to say “ah yes, that makes sense.” She didn’t leave kp feeling mentally better, but Karen did feel that she understands her situation more. We also had an action plan, namely that I should contact the solicitor and ask him to progress the appointment of a Case Manager, which I have now done.

Before I forget, a quick paragraph on me ! For the past month or so, I have been questioning if I should be working at the moment. Karen really needs me at the moment, and although my boss has been great when it comes to time off for Karen, I question whether I have taken enough time off, and of course, from a work’s perspective, how much better would my department run if it were run by someone who was full time there. My position is to be responsible for the Service Department of an IT company. The company is 70-staff strong, and I am responsible for 40+ of those staff. Recently, with the increased number of appointments and bouts of low mood for Karen, I have been off a lot. When I have been off, shit has happened that wouldn’t have happened had I been there. I, of course, feel guilty about this and have been thinking more and more about how much better it would be for the company and for me personally, if I stepped down from my role and took on a less responsible position. I approached my boss about this a little over a week ago and he understood where I was coming from and offered me another post (less money but more importantly less responsibility). So, this has been announced at work, and it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Hopefully, they will find a replacement for me asap, and I can move to my new post in the Datacentre. I am not responsible for any person, just for IT projects, and I feel that this will allow me to give kp the attention she deserves. At the moment, I am living and breathing work at home. kp will ask me a question, and it will take me 20 seconds to respond, because I am still thinking of work issues. She gets irritated when I don’t have her attention etc etc….

Anyway, back to kp !

For some reason (can’t recall), she didn’t do Zopiclone on the friday night, and her sleep was all over the place.

Saturday saw some real bad news come in !!! It was in the form of a letter from the DVLA. Karen’s driving licence has been revoked for medical reasons. There was an accompanying letter from a doctor explaining why, but basically it’s because she doesn’t see things on the left.

Putting Karen’s driving license in the post was quite a hard thing to do. That may sound strange, but it was. I took a photo of it ‘cos it feels quite a momentous thing.

A week ago, I thought things couldn’t get any worse. Oh yes, they can ! Karen was distraught. In a way, she was like an upset child. She was very angry and was shouting “It’s not fair”. She was throwing things around the house. It was so sad. She wanted to pay the person at fault for all of this (the driver) a visit. The driver of the vehicle who caused the accident had been given a driving ban for 3 years (I think, memory like a sieve). Karen mentioned this and the fact that she now has a driving ban for life. “How would he like that ?”.

kp:- “Do we have his address ? I want to pay him a visit.” (crying while shouting this)
dp:- “Yes, love, i think we have it in a newspaper cutting somewhere” (what else can you say ?!)

This probably carried on for about 2 hours. It doesn’t sound like a long time, but it is a LOOOONG time when you are living it and feeling the hurt kp feels.

kp:- “Well, that’s it now isn’t it. What’s the point carrying on now ? What little independence I had is just gone ! GONE !”

and then later……….

kp (still bawling) :- “That car was a present from you for my 40th. You might as well get a car you like, ‘cos I won’t be driving it again”

She was so, so, so upset. And so angry ! By her own admission, she said she had never felt so much anger against a person. I was incensed as well. Of course, I feel her hurt, and I am angry when she is upset. I have never had a fight in my life (not even at school), and I was ready to go down to Stratford-upon-bloody-Avon and slap this bloke in his leather f+cking jacket around a bit. (He wore a leather jacket to court).

I honestly don’t know where we will go from here. It’s going to take all my and Karen’s strength to pull her out of this one. Karen is becoming a recluse. She can’t speak to friends or family on the phone. She feels guilty about this. But, most of all she bears a huge load of guilt for me.

kp:- “How much better would your life be, without me ?”

It’s something we discussed in detail with the neuro-psychologist (NP).

The NP put it brilliantly when she said …………..

NP (talking to Karen) :- “You feel like you’re on an island and your family and friends are on the mainland and your island is getting farther and further away. The more guilt you feel, the more distant you feel”.

It was something like that. It really hit home with both of us anyway. She is sh+t hot !

So, Saturday was a day full of tears. We didn’t eat at all (bar biscuits and tea), not even Pizza on the night. We didn’t even watch a programme which we normally do on a Saturday night.

She tried a Zopiclone last night (Saturday night), and although she got up for half an hour, she did have a good 8 hours sleep which is GREAT and although how much of that sleep is because of the tablet, and how much is because of the horrendous day yesterday, we will have to wait and see. The worrying thing is, that when she got up for her half hour, she later told me that she was thinking of how many tablets would it take to kill herself !!!! I know if she tells the doctors that, she will be sectioned and she would hate that.

We got up about 8am for a cup of tea, and then went back for snooze.

On a positive note, we have been for another lovely walk in Wolsingham with the dogs.

She is now thinking of moving house to some secluded spot where she can be on her own and if she wants to walk the dogs, she can do without fear of being pulled over if she meets up with anyone.

I think it was a passing thought, but you never know with kp !

That’s enough blog, horrendous week all in all.

Let’s end with a funny. Even karen laughed at this when I told her.

Both Karen and I went for a snooze this morning about 9am. I couldn’t sleep and after a while she started talking in her sleep.

It went something like this. Bear in mind, she is fast asleep !

kp:- “But you see, my diet isn’t great. I mostly drink cups of tea and biscuits. [pause] Oh yes, oh yes, occasionally………. [pause] …… We did have Roast Lamb though ! Anyway, I have got to get back to sleep.”

Then nothing…..

How weird is that !