This won’t make for a happy blog read. Things are not good in the Pollard household.

Karen has been going downhill for a while, and last night saw pretty much rock bottom. It was “suicide watch” time for me.

Karen is sleeping more than she is awake on a big scale. She is asleep as I write this.

Last night, she was inconsolable. She wanted to end her life because she felt that my life would be better without her around. She gets this notion, because when she is down, I am down, which I think is totally understandable. We love each other, we share the good times and we share the bad. But, she sees this as her bringing me down. Obviously, I try and tell her that this isn’t the case and we are just having a shared experience of life etc etc…..But it hits deaf ears.

She fell asleep crying last night. I had to be on my guard to ensure she didn’t do anything stupid. She has a habit of waking up in the middle of the night and watching tv for an hour, but in her current mindset, she could get upto all sorts.

I am pleased to report she was still here in the morning.

I had the day off work. It was a very solemn quiet day. kp slept most of the day, while I did work emails from home. We had an appointment with the psychiatrist booked for 4pm. Through no fault of his own (the psychiatrist), and a lot because of the postcode lottery of NHS support, there aren’t that many avenues that he can help us with because Durham doesn’t have the neuro-help that Karen needs and would get in other areas of the country (like Newcastle/Gateshead). But he did give me a few ideas which I can pursue through the insurance company that has helped already with things like the hip operation. So, I have written to a Professor who works for the insurance company and who will try and put in place the help that kp needs.

I really hope he comes good on his offer of help that he made months ago when we first met him.

From my perspective, I am finding it increasingly hard to do my job and to support Karen. The company I work for has been superb and couldn’t have been more supportive. But the nature of my role is one that means I can’t just stop thinking about it when the day ends.  And taking impromptu days off like today can’t help matters. I don’t want to abuse the support they have given me, but Karen has to come first. It’s a hard position to be in.

The new anti-depressants prescribed today are going to take 7-10 days to kick in, so at the moment, until the Prof comes back to us, all our hopes are pinned on them.

Watch this space, as they say