Things not good in the Pollard household at the moment

I was due to give blood last Wednesday. Great, an opportunity for kp to see her workmates and buck her up a bit, but when I arrived home early from work, she didn’t want to go

Karen’s mood is rock bottom. She has a preoccupation with death at the moment. She sees herself with no purpose, having no value amongst family/friends. She can’t understand why I am still with her.  This morning, after her being up since 12am (unbeknownst to me), she said she had awful thoughts. Suicide was considered, but not followed through because of she would be leaving me on my own.
I feel so powerless, so helpless. I feel like I have exhausted everything to help her. I have tried to encourage her to set herself aims for each day, to go and see her family (by taxi), to go shopping with Adele, but she hasn’t the motiviation. I have told her that it is only 2 days, before I am off with her for the whole of Xmas. That seemed to help a little.
We saw the doctor this week and got her state of mind at that time across to him, and he is going to refer her to a psychiatrist, which is good. I am ringing the Neuropsychologist today for some emergency help. Fingers crossed, she can come out today or tomorrow.

We still have no internet access at home thanks to TalkTalk’s ineptitude. Karen used to regularly go on the internet to email people and browse the web. I know she is missing this. I have set her up with modem access, but it’s painfully slow and she gets frustrated with it.

Karen’s physical wellbeing isn’t helping. She feels her body doesn’t go at the speed she wants it to and that it feels very stiff, probably because she has lapsed on the physio she was supposed to be doing (lack of motivation).

Really not good at the moment. She has already been hinting that if she “doesn’t want to go anywhere over Xmas”, will that be ok. Of course it will. So, mum/dad, heads up that there is a chance we may not be down for Xmas lunch, we’ll have to see how she feels on the day. Also, we are due to go to my work’s doo on Saturday. I am keen for her to meet some of the faces behind the work stories I tell, but this also may be at risk. We will see.

From my perspective, it is an utterly heartbreaking situation to be in. Wanting to fix her, but not having the tools to do it, and not seeing a way out of it. Very glad Xmas is here and that we will have a week off together.